So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
