idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
