Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
