Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
