if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
