just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
