She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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