she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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