I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
