Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
now i know why i became what i already was.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
