are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You took a bar mat shot.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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