Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
