shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
