I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your cock deserves a montage
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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