i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
