Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
