if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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