life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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