Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
