my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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