I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
