I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My penis needs a shock collar
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
