i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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