woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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