Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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