I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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