party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
