i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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