someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
