I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
