he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
