i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
