im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
