but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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