I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I forget how to act sober
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