i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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