Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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