Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
