nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
