when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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