Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
