He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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