I love black thongs
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
