Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
