He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
