Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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