yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
