i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
meet me or not, i'm out of control
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
