Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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