Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
